Just One Of Those Days

Did you ever have one of those days when you just wish you didn't exist? How about if you could just be invisible and see if anyone who says they love you missed you even noticed you weren't around? Forgive me for the tone of this blog today, but it's how I feel.

I'm not gonna go into the lengthy story that would give a background to these feelings because it's too much to write and i don't wanna bore anyone. Let's just suffice to say the following.
1. I met my current husband in 1983 at church. You'd think that would be a wonderful place to meet someone right??? You'd think that someone would prove to be a good person right??? WELL WRONG!! He use to be this wonderful caring even tempered man who would do anything on earth to make anyone happy even ME!! I never saw any signs of the slightest bit of mallace. No temper HECK rwe rarely even faught. If we did disagree we talked about it and it was done!!! That is until I married him in 1989 and things have gone downhill since. He's become this person I don't even know anymore. I have come to realize over the past few years that I'm here merely for convenience and now I'm not even sure I'm here for that anymore. We have two beautiful children together, They are priceless to me and I'd never leave them. Not if I can help it anyway. He's become angry, mentally abusive to all of us and today is just one of those days Ijust wanna crawl in a hole and ceace to be. My oldest daughter hasn't been to school in 5 days because she's been ill. I didn't tell him she didn't go yesterday because i just didn't want him to yell. He's forgotten how to talk. He's forgotten how to express feelings without screaming them and last night I was told that my daughter would be sent to jouvy and he didn't know where I was going... I'm called everything from bitch to God knows what He looks at other MEN and says he's KIDDING when I know differently but I just want him to admit it..... WHY am I stillhere you ask... I dunno. I really can't find that ONE reason anymore. Kinda reminds me of an old Reba McEntire song "You're the first Time I've Thought About Leavin" The only difference is that in the song she finds another man and that's her reason. My reason is merely to find peace for me and my girls. No more yelling, No more disrespect NONE OF IT.

I don't know what I'd do without my friends. My TRUE friends. The ones who have been there through everything. If I ever lost any of them, well I'd truly feel like I'd lost everything. There's already ONE who has slipped away but my hope is that one day she'll realize that I truly dolove her and I'd do anything on earth for her, and if I did, I never ever meant to hurt her. I hope that somehow she one days knows that and will find her way back in my life someday.

I just feel so unneeded. I feel like I should have done so many things differently in my life to change the course of it and now I really don't know where to start. I know the first place will be with God because HE is the one who will bring me through all the rest, no matter how bad it gets. I know we have to suffer through the bad to feel and appreciate the good, and i know that he is the one who will help me handle all of it. Then there are my friends who are always there for undying support.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have been there for me through everything. My mistakes, my laughter, and my tears. I love each and every one of you, I'm just very sad today. I'm sad and feel very alone and scared. That happens sometimes when you've been hit with a dose of reality.